Week 12 – Rejection

The sun is absolutely glorious.
I can feel the heat burning my skin.
The sweat trickles on my forehead.
The taste of cool vodka and cranberry feels good in my mouth.

It's 3pm.
It's Saturday.
We are in the park.

Charlotte called me this morning about 9:30am.
She suggested we met up for a picnic.
Her boyfriend's away for the weekend.
She wanted the company.

I went to the supermarket.
I bought rolls, ham, cheeses, nuts, salad, and a bottle of vodka and made my way to the park.

When I got there, there were already hundreds of people soaking up the sun.
Mothers.
Fathers.
Grandparents.
Children.
Teenagers.
Groups of friends.
Everyone was laughing, chatting and eating ice-cream.

Charlotte had found a nice spot in the park.
She was sitting near where a group of boys were drinking beer.
The boys looked in their late twenties.
I don't know if that means I can still call them boys!

We ate our picnic.
We chatted.
We drank the vodka I brought mixed with cool refreshing cranberry juice.

I told Charlotte I was feeling sad about the whole James situation.
He had not been in contact since he stood me up a couple of weeks ago.
He had not even been in contact with regards to any work matters.

I waited for text messages, phone calls or emails to either my personal or work account.
Fourteen days and nothing...

I had resisted contacting him.
I had even been drunk and managed not to text him.
Maybe that was because I had been so intoxicated that I had passed out and was incapable.

I have been out every second night in the last two weeks.
It makes me forget how much of an idiot I have made of myself with Jam

es.

I go out after work.
I drink at least four large glasses of wine.
I get chips on the way home.
When I get home I pass out, sometimes still in my clothes.

Each night I am usually out with different people from work.
Whoever is free and available really.
I just don't want to go home and be on my own.
If I did I would think about what I did or said to James or what is wrong with me that he has not been in contact.
By the end of each day when I haven't received an email or text I just want to go out and have a laugh and a drink.

The nights I have not gone out, I have gone home and been in my bed by 9 o clock because I have still felt rough from the night before.

I wake up each morning in the hope I may have a missed late night text, but nothing...

The thing I look forward to in the morning at the moment is either –
1. That I am going out that night to have a laugh.
Or
2. If I have been out the night before I am already thinking about coming home, relaxing and going to bed before I have even got up in the morning.

At work I am paranoid everyone is talking about me.
I think they are receiving emails from James and that he is laughing at me.
I also become more paranoid the days after I have been drinking.
Sharon in accounts has reassured me on more than one occasion that no-one is talking or laughing at me.
For a few hours I feel reassured but then paranoia sets in again so I call someone to see if they want to go for a drink after work.

The sun is still shining in the park.
It's 5:30pm.
Charlotte and I have had our fourth vodka and cranberry and I have talked about James for nearly two hours.
Charlotte suggests that the two of us should go away on a week spa break.
One of those health ones where you eat healthy food, do yoga and have no alcohol.
She has heard of a great place in Greece.
It will be warm, refreshing and will clear our minds.
We both have holidays due to us.
We should check with our bosses on Monday and get it booked as soon as possible.

I am not sure I can afford it though.
I seem to have spent a fortune in the last few weeks.
I could put it on my credit card though.
Worry about paying it off later.
It would probably do me good.
I have been feeling really tired and run down.
I also haven't been eating properly.
So maybe it is a good idea.
I might come back a new woman.

It's 6:30pm
The sun is getting cooler.
The boys who are sitting near us start chatting.
They offer us a beer.
We laugh and chat with them.

7:30pm
The boys ask if we wan to go to the pub with them.
Charlotte quickly responds and says no for us both!
I give her a dirty look.
She tells the boys we are skint, saving for a holiday and starving so we are going to go and get some food.
Before I have a chance to argue Charlotte has packed up our things and is on the phone making a reservation at our favourite Italian restaurant at 8:30pm.

We leave the park.
I ask Charlotte why she said we wouldn't go to the pub with the boys.
She basically said that I have got myself into enough trouble recently and going out with them would just add to it.
She said I should look on it as her saving me from making another drunken mistake.
Maybe she is right..