Week 5 – I wish I hadn't done that

I look out of the living room window.
It’s sunny.
Children are playing on the street.
Couples are packing their cars to go on picnics.
An elderly man across the road is gardening. His wife is bringing him a cup of tea.
It’s 2pm.
It’s Sunday.

I look in the mirror.
My eyes are covered in mascara.
My skin is pale.
My hair is matted.

I look at my bed.
It is unmade.
A pair of my black lacy knickers lies amongst the ruffled sheets.
There is a smell of stale sex in the room.

I leave the room.
Close the door.
I sit on my sofa with my cosy red blanket over me and try to block out the night before.
But I can’t…

We all met in a bar in town.
About 8pm.
I am dressed in a black dress, fishnets and high heeled shoes.
It is warm.
It is May.

We sit outside.
I can feel the sun on my back.

There are eight of us.
Two couples.
Four single.
Five women.
Three men.

I drink red wine.
Others drink beer, vodka & rum.
We chat.
We laugh.
I feel like a 1950’s movie star sitting in my black dress, drinking wine and slowly exhaling smoke from my cigarette sending it spiralling onto the air.

10pm.
Tequila is suggested.
A tray of sixteen shot glasses is brought to the table.
Two for each person.
We lick the salt from the back of our hand.
Down the tequila.
Suck the lemon.
We repeat the same action with the second shot glass.
Jack the single man at our table starts to seem more attractive to me.
Is it his funny chat?
Is that he is single?
Or is it purely the fact that I am drunk and have my beer goggles on?!

I go to the toilet with my friend.
I look in the mirror.
My skin has a glow from the sun.
My hair is silky and shiny from my new shampoo.
My eyes sparkle with the shimmering green eye shadow that I have applied.
I feel great.
Confident, sexy, sophisticated.

We return to our seats.
Waiting for us is another tray of sixteen shots.
They are a bright blue colour.
I have no idea what they are.
Who cares!

11:30pm
My head is feeling pretty fuzzy.
Jack & I are flirting.
He touches my leg.
I touch his arm.
We end up holding hands.
He seems absolutely beautiful now!

The bar is closing.
Everyone is leaving.
I suggest to Jack to come back to mine for a drink.
We get a taxi.
We kiss.

We get to my flat.
I cannot find my keys.
I tip everything out of my bag to find they have been in my pocket all along.
Jack unlocks the door.
We kiss again.
He puts on some music and I pour us both a vodka and coke.

We sit on the couch.
Again we kiss.
Our drinks go untouched.
He touches my body all over.
I respond.

We move to my bedroom.
He pulls down my tights. My pants.
He unzips my dress. Unhooks my bra.
I undress him.
Our clothes are all over the room.

4am
We both fall asleep.
Naked.
Our bodies touching.

11:30am
I wake.
A hand is resting on my body.
I turn and look.
I see Jack, my friend’s friend who I had met the night before.
He is not as attractive as I remember…
I don’t really remember much about the actual conversations we had.

I feel weird.
He is really a stranger in my bed.
A stranger who has seen me naked.
Who I have had sex with.
Ok he’s friends with my best mate’s boyfriend. But still I don’t know him.
I put on my dressing gown and go to the bathroom.
I hear Jack get up.
He appears in the hallway dressed.
He says he has to go.
He’s going to a football game.
“Thanks for a good night” he says
He kisses me on the cheek.

I open and then close the front door on him.

I pull the red blanket closer around me as I sit on the sofa and have more flashbacks of the night.

I had felt lonely the night before.
All my friends are in couples.
I had hoped I might meet someone nice.
Instead I got myself hammered and slept with the first guy who was convenient.
I wanted to feel loved, cared for.
Now I feel lonelier and emptier than I had the night before.

From the sofa I see the man who was gardening kiss his wife on the cheek.

I go to the shower to wash the night before away.